Trump Dump

I have been hesitant to criticize Trump’s presidency during his first two months in office, because a ship can’t take on water until it sails.

But now the ship of the Trump state has left the harbor, and the early reports are not good. There is panic on the bridge.

One early warning is that the Devil has dropped the price of Republican souls to eleven cents a unit. So many have sold theirs, tying their fates to the president, despite his mortal sins of false witness and rampant untruthfulness, that the market has crashed. GOP souls are a drug on the market.

But Beelzebub is offering half a million each for John McCain and Lindsey Graham, and two mil for the parlay. The last holdouts always get the big money.

Trump’s 20-foot-high wall with Mexico is deep in the planning stages. Costs are being estimated at around $10 million a mile, which should provide a lot of work for the Mexicans who build it.

Trump is quick to remind us that the wall is also great American workers. Sheboygan Industries has dropped the price of its 21 foot ladders to $12.95, and is adding another shift to its assembly line.

Proving that rumors of his having small hands are not unfounded, Donald Trump managed to give an eighty-minute speech without once stepping on his own … message.

For those of you who haven’t figured it out, his message is, “Everything is going to be great!”

But that’s not all! Just add separate shipping and handling and get everything’s going to be great, twice!

If you’re not completely satisfied after a four year trial, simply return everything’s going to be great and get double your country back.

This offer does not apply to members of the Trump family, Julian Assange or Vladimir Putin. We reserve the right to supply a reasonable facsimile of democracy and the rule of law. Your results may vary.

But there is hope for our democracy yet. I understand that during Trump’s recent address to congress, John McCain threw up in his mouth a little.

My advice to John if he wants to save the system of government he fought so hard to preserve? Open a mouth. Swallow first, then open a mouth.

Ex-president Obama, who is looking better every day, now stands accused by Trump of wiretapping the Trump Tower.

This would be a terrible, felonious act if the allegation were true. But it’s obviously ridiculous. Wiretapping Trump in the hopes of catching him saying something crazy and not tweeting about it makes as much sense as bugging the loudspeakers at a Kiss concert.

This guy can’t keep his mouth shut. He couldn’t win a game of hide and seek at the Lighthouse for the Blind.

Responding to unfair accusations in the liberal media, otherwise known as the “enemy of the people,” that president Trump never takes blame for anything his administration does, Donald tweeted the following.

“In my administration the buck stops here. In fact, all the bucks stop here. Plus Schwarzenegger is a pathetic #loser who’s ratings are smaller than my fingers.”

In other news, Donald Trump has temporarily recused himself from all investigations into Donald Trump, until he can look up what recuse means.

President-in-waiting Mike Pence is always smiling. Ever wonder why?

Maybe it’s because sooner or later it’s going to occur to some savvy Republicans: Hey, we never could get anyone as conservative as Mike Pence elected president. But if we dump the moron who’s tarnishing our brand and scaring the whole world, then Mike Pence will be our president and there’s nothing the American people can do about it until 2020!

So far, the taste of power is too sweet to your average Republican. But, before long, it will turn to ashes in their mouths. And only you, John McCain and Lindsey Graham, can save your party from humiliation and your nation from disaster.

This will be a much better world when Bernie Madoff and Donald Trump are in their cell playing canasta with matchsticks, arguing about who is richer.

Trump is going down; the ship of state is taking on water. All honor goes to the first patriotic rat who deserts the sinking ship.

I end with a quote from that visionary American poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

           Sail on, O Ship of State!

            Sail on, O Union, strong and great!

            Humanity with all its fears,

            With all the hopes of future years,

            Is hanging breathless on thy glub … glub … glub.

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