New Beginnings for End of Days

The Twit will Tweet, and we can’t stop him. But a greater challenge awaits us this New Year. Our difficult but vital task is to Change the Subject.

I know, it won’t be easy. It’s hard to turn away from a tire fire.

But it’s important that we try, because if we keep staring at Trump, we’ll start to look like him, the way a dog comes to look like his master. And nobody wants that.

So let’s stop talking about Trump and think about all the new possibilities life can bring us in 2017.

The New Year is a great time to consider joining a gym. This is a laudable goal, but often fails. January is the peak month for gym memberships, February is the peak month for dropping out.

But there is an easier lifestyle choice that makes sense during end of days.

Have you considered the benefits of alcoholism lately? This would be a fine time to become a blackout drunk. You can wake up in 2020, look around, and decide if you want to go to rehab or crawl back inside the bottle for four more years.

Keep it simple is a good motto for end of days. Over sophistication slides so easily into decadence for the privileged, while a hungry world is on the brink.

The New Year offers the extreme foodies among us a chance to reform. Let us declare we will no longer spend ten dollars per extra adjective on any menu item, no matter how succulently described.

Same goes for “vertical food.” Presentation is important, I know, but dinner isn’t architecture. Height doesn’t matter, any more than it does in Trump’s combover.

Uh oh, there I go again. This Trump trope is hard to avoid. But food is important, let’s give it another shot.

Eating simply is a noble New Year’s resolution. Simple food is good for your health. This would be a good year to look after your health, because nobody else will. Eat your kale, kids. Obamacare will soon be extinct as the Polar Bear.

We still have Polar Bears, you say? Wait a while.

The New Year gives us a chance to change, and become more open minded. Cynics say that say mindless times devalue the blessings of open-mindedness. I say nonsense. Yes, my friends, this may be the hour to join the Republican Party. Keep an open mind, Latinos, Muslims, LGBT members, if you try hard enough, you can do it.

Donald Trump proved that amazing transformations are possible if one keeps an open mind. Our new president has found a rapist he admires: Julian Assange. The Aussie whistleblower, alleged abuser of Swedish women, and embassy-bound fugitive, is now Trump’s BFF in the tech world. This is shows admirable flexibility. Still, I wonder whether Donald would love the rapist if his name was Julio Asango.

Wow, I’m having a hard time shaking the Trumps. Let’s try something somber, death. No way that dire subject degenerates into yet more Trump.

There has been a spate of notable, tragic deaths lately, hasn’t there? Well, not really, it only seems that way. If you’re lucky enough to die in December, people remember you. You get pride of place at the Oscars. It hardly seems fair to the other months.

My advice to readers is don’t die in January. Sure, you’ll get to add that extra year at the right side of the hyphen on your tombstone, but you’ll be buried twice. Once in your plot, the other by the heaps of famous people who expire during the next eleven months.

Then again, those who gave up the ghost in the past few weeks will never have to say “Donald Trump is my president.”

Now that I think about it, maybe a January funeral isn’t so bad, after all. As long as it comes before the 20th.

Okay, I give up. Trump is unavoidable. He’s got me thinking about my demise!

Maybe I should move to Canada. But it’s cold in Canada. And I hear it’s hot in the other place. I think I’ll try to hang around a while.

It’s only six weeks until spring training. I’ll keep my eye on that ball for now, and not think ahead until the 2017 World Series winners show up at the White House.

But when their Dominican Shortstop rounds on Trump and says, “Hey, you’re the stinking gringo who deported my family!” I’ll watch it on YouTube all winter.


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